Know what bugs me? It kinda falls under the "when it rains it pours" category. I think it's interesting how I seem to go through these strange cycles with men in my past. I wont hear from any of them in months and then out of the blue, I'll hear from 4 or 5 of them over the course of a couple days. Now, these are not all men I've actually dated, but they are men who have pursued me and then settled for friendship when that is all I was willing or able to offer. Six have contacted me just since Saturday.
This evening at poker, I ran into a man I met last year on St. Patrick's day. We hung out a few times, but I told him up front I wasn't interested in a relationship. We chatted very briefly tonight, but then after I got home he sent me a text telling me that I was honestly the most beautiful woman he's ever seen, much less known.
The man I'm currently seeing is absolutely wonderful, but he doesn't compliment me often. And I've never been one to need words of affirmation... but lately they've been few and far between and it's just nice to actually HEAR someone say what they think. Why don't men understand that? Saying something once isn't enough to hold us over.
Guys - if you think your gal is beautiful, TELL HER. If you think she is smart, TELL HER. If you think she is good at something, TELL HER. If she turns you on, TELL HER. Make love to her mind... and not just once... and not just until you've snagged her... TELL HER as often as you think it.
Gals - keep doing the same.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
Purpose
I'm discontent. Some things are going well in my life and some, not so much. Is not that I'm not thankful for the good in my life - because, really, I am. I have wonderful friends, a guy who is probably the nicest guy I've ever dated, family who love me and support me and have more confidence in me than I have in myself...
I think maybe it's just this feeling of lacking purpose. You'd think with all this extra free time on my hands, I'd be happy. But I'm not. I spend most of my time at home - alone. I want to get out and be social, network, etc - but it seems everything takes money. I want to get on the road, get out of town and out of my head for a weekend.... but again, that takes money. The fact that I'm not working and my unemployment claim is still under a review so I'm not getting UI checks... well, it just makes me feel like I have to save every extra penny. Today, I just couldn't take it anymore so I called my friends mom and took her out to coffee. It did wonders for the soul.
How are things on the relationship front?? I don't know. I really like him, but there is this HUGE wall between us and I feel like neither of us are willing or able to tear it down and really get to know each other. I'm not myself with him... or rather, he brings out a different side of me than most everyone I know. I really don't think he sees the funny, adventurous, confident, center of attention side of me. I tend to be more... subdued around him. And I have trust issues. But speaking of the devil, he just showed up. We're going to a movie tonight.
More later.
I think maybe it's just this feeling of lacking purpose. You'd think with all this extra free time on my hands, I'd be happy. But I'm not. I spend most of my time at home - alone. I want to get out and be social, network, etc - but it seems everything takes money. I want to get on the road, get out of town and out of my head for a weekend.... but again, that takes money. The fact that I'm not working and my unemployment claim is still under a review so I'm not getting UI checks... well, it just makes me feel like I have to save every extra penny. Today, I just couldn't take it anymore so I called my friends mom and took her out to coffee. It did wonders for the soul.
How are things on the relationship front?? I don't know. I really like him, but there is this HUGE wall between us and I feel like neither of us are willing or able to tear it down and really get to know each other. I'm not myself with him... or rather, he brings out a different side of me than most everyone I know. I really don't think he sees the funny, adventurous, confident, center of attention side of me. I tend to be more... subdued around him. And I have trust issues. But speaking of the devil, he just showed up. We're going to a movie tonight.
More later.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Happy Valentine's Day
Happy Valentine's Day, Happy Hallmark Holiday and for the single folks out there, Happy Single Awareness Day. Ken hates V-day, but planned an evening in for the two of us - he's making dinner, building a fire and promises to get me tipsy (although I'm supposed to bring what I want to drink and he hates wine - even the taste of it on my lips - so I'm not sure about the tipsy thing). I decided to bake a cake for desert. I haven't baked a cake in probably 4 or 5 years and my oven is probably 50 years old. I'm not sure if that is why the cake rose unevenly. It's higher in the center than around the edges. Oh well - it wont look pretty, but hopefully it tastes good. It's a Better-Than-Sex cake... figured it was appropriate for the lover's holiday. ;-)
I filed my taxes today. I get a pretty decent refund so I'm happy about that. It's enough to pay my bills for one month.
My upstairs neighbor is listening to music or a movie or something loud and with the bass turned up. Today, it is annoying me more than usual.
Still no job. Went to a networking event Thursday night and met quite a few people who work at WTB. KL's husband Mike kept telling them all that I applied for a job their and a few of them said they'd put in a good word with the hiring manager. One guy (from a different company) called Mike the next day and asked for my number. Thankfully, he told the guy I am seeing someone. Flattering, nonetheless. The County job sent me in for a skills test on Friday and I got a 95% or better on all of the tests... but my typing score was slower than usual.
My apartment is a mess. Half my house is on the floor and I have no energy to deal with it. I hate house work. I don't mind the kitchen and bathroom, but I hate cleaning my room and doing laundry.
Well - that's all for now. I actually sat down to write and clear my head but I can't think with the blaring noise right above my head!!!
I filed my taxes today. I get a pretty decent refund so I'm happy about that. It's enough to pay my bills for one month.
My upstairs neighbor is listening to music or a movie or something loud and with the bass turned up. Today, it is annoying me more than usual.
Still no job. Went to a networking event Thursday night and met quite a few people who work at WTB. KL's husband Mike kept telling them all that I applied for a job their and a few of them said they'd put in a good word with the hiring manager. One guy (from a different company) called Mike the next day and asked for my number. Thankfully, he told the guy I am seeing someone. Flattering, nonetheless. The County job sent me in for a skills test on Friday and I got a 95% or better on all of the tests... but my typing score was slower than usual.
My apartment is a mess. Half my house is on the floor and I have no energy to deal with it. I hate house work. I don't mind the kitchen and bathroom, but I hate cleaning my room and doing laundry.
Well - that's all for now. I actually sat down to write and clear my head but I can't think with the blaring noise right above my head!!!
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Job Hunt Update
Still unemployed. I got a call at 10:20 yesterday morning for an interview at 11:30am. I was up at Ken's house when the call came in so I had to rush home, find some interview-appropriate clothes to wear and get out to the valley in an hour. I actually really liked the office and the people I met. It's funny - I can almost always tell when they want to hire me. I absolutely love interviewing. Call me crazy, but it's gotta be the years of experience on the other side of the interview table as either the hiring manager or the human resource representative. And I think having that experience always makes my interviewers just a little nervous.
The interview went very well and in closing, they both got really serious, and started fidgeting. The head of the company looked at me and said, "Now that we know we really want you, we're afraid we wont be able to afford you. What are your salary expectations?" I told them that ideally, I'd be making what I was at my previous job, but that realistically, I'd be willing to drop down no more than $2 or $3 an hour. Unfortunately, they were hoping to pay someone about $12/hour and that is just far less than I'm willing to settle for. It's too bad really. They marketed the position as an Office Manager and the job description is consistent with that title, however, because the incumbent sits at the front desk, they want to pay a clerical/receptionist salary. It feels great to be wanted so much and it was the boost in confidence that I need. But, I wish companies realized that you get what you pay for. If you want a quality, trustworthy, dependable, hard worker who will stick around and continue to take on more, you gotta give them reason to stay. They've had a lot of turnover in this position and I'm not surprised. They simply don't pay enough for the duties assigned to the position. Sounds like a great office and I was a bit disappointed, but with the flexibility they require (working late evenings and some weekends with minimal notice), I wouldn't even be able to get a second job. Oh well... NEXT!
Yesterday afternoon, as I was sitting out in front of an elementary school waiting to pick up my friends kids (she's on bed rest and her husband was out of town), I got a call from the hiring manager for a position I applied for at Washington Trust Bank. She had "a couple questions" for me, but it turned out to be an initial screening phone interview. Um, I wasn't really prepared for that as I was sitting there watching for KL's kids. I told her that if I seemed a bit distracted, that was the reason and she didn't even offer to call at a more convenient time. Oh well... I guess I'll know next week if I move on to the interview round. As much as I love interviews, phone interviews are not nearly as fun.
Still applying for lots of jobs, but the market is difficult. The guy I interviewed with yesterday said they ran their ad for one day only and had nearly 120 applicants. There is a lot of competition out there and I certainly don't envy companies who are trying to fill positions. On the up side, there are a lot of quality people out there to choose from, but on the down side, it really is a lot of work reviewing applicants and deciding who to interview, conducting all those interviews and then closing out the recruitment, sending letters, etc.
I'm trying to remain calm and trust that I'll find something, but I'm worried I may end up having to settle. I heard on the news the other day that over 300 Million Americans have been laid off in the last year. Daily I hear about another company going under and laying off hundreds and sometimes even thousands of employees. A friend in the Seattle area told me yesterday that his company just announced 10,000 layoffs nation-wide. I've been to the WorkSource office twice and both times, found myself in the midst of such a diverse crowd of displaced workers (from entry level to business executives who are used to a 6-figure salary), waiting for computers, classes, fax machines, resources or other assistance. It breaks my heart. Some of these people have been out of work for 6 months! I don't even know how they live on their measly unemployment checks for that long. Many of these people have families to provide for, mortgages, debt, kids in college, etc. I'm blessed that I don't have those things. I have a substantial amount of debt, but it's just me and I live in a tiny one bedroom apartment. A good friend of mine filed for bankruptcy last week. I have kicked around the idea of doing the same. Without the monthly payments on my debt, I'd actually be able to afford to take a lower paying job.
The other day, I half-jokingly said I was going to get a sharpie and some cardboard and go find a busy intersection to stand and try my luck at panhandling. The very next day as I was driving to the library, I saw a man with a cardboard sign that said "Laid off. 2 Kids at home. Short on rent money." It was sobering... I'm blessed that I have such a wonderful group of friends here that have offered whatever assistance I need, from a place to stay rent free until I find something to monetary loans. Some people really are not so lucky. It breaks my heart.
The interview went very well and in closing, they both got really serious, and started fidgeting. The head of the company looked at me and said, "Now that we know we really want you, we're afraid we wont be able to afford you. What are your salary expectations?" I told them that ideally, I'd be making what I was at my previous job, but that realistically, I'd be willing to drop down no more than $2 or $3 an hour. Unfortunately, they were hoping to pay someone about $12/hour and that is just far less than I'm willing to settle for. It's too bad really. They marketed the position as an Office Manager and the job description is consistent with that title, however, because the incumbent sits at the front desk, they want to pay a clerical/receptionist salary. It feels great to be wanted so much and it was the boost in confidence that I need. But, I wish companies realized that you get what you pay for. If you want a quality, trustworthy, dependable, hard worker who will stick around and continue to take on more, you gotta give them reason to stay. They've had a lot of turnover in this position and I'm not surprised. They simply don't pay enough for the duties assigned to the position. Sounds like a great office and I was a bit disappointed, but with the flexibility they require (working late evenings and some weekends with minimal notice), I wouldn't even be able to get a second job. Oh well... NEXT!
Yesterday afternoon, as I was sitting out in front of an elementary school waiting to pick up my friends kids (she's on bed rest and her husband was out of town), I got a call from the hiring manager for a position I applied for at Washington Trust Bank. She had "a couple questions" for me, but it turned out to be an initial screening phone interview. Um, I wasn't really prepared for that as I was sitting there watching for KL's kids. I told her that if I seemed a bit distracted, that was the reason and she didn't even offer to call at a more convenient time. Oh well... I guess I'll know next week if I move on to the interview round. As much as I love interviews, phone interviews are not nearly as fun.
Still applying for lots of jobs, but the market is difficult. The guy I interviewed with yesterday said they ran their ad for one day only and had nearly 120 applicants. There is a lot of competition out there and I certainly don't envy companies who are trying to fill positions. On the up side, there are a lot of quality people out there to choose from, but on the down side, it really is a lot of work reviewing applicants and deciding who to interview, conducting all those interviews and then closing out the recruitment, sending letters, etc.
I'm trying to remain calm and trust that I'll find something, but I'm worried I may end up having to settle. I heard on the news the other day that over 300 Million Americans have been laid off in the last year. Daily I hear about another company going under and laying off hundreds and sometimes even thousands of employees. A friend in the Seattle area told me yesterday that his company just announced 10,000 layoffs nation-wide. I've been to the WorkSource office twice and both times, found myself in the midst of such a diverse crowd of displaced workers (from entry level to business executives who are used to a 6-figure salary), waiting for computers, classes, fax machines, resources or other assistance. It breaks my heart. Some of these people have been out of work for 6 months! I don't even know how they live on their measly unemployment checks for that long. Many of these people have families to provide for, mortgages, debt, kids in college, etc. I'm blessed that I don't have those things. I have a substantial amount of debt, but it's just me and I live in a tiny one bedroom apartment. A good friend of mine filed for bankruptcy last week. I have kicked around the idea of doing the same. Without the monthly payments on my debt, I'd actually be able to afford to take a lower paying job.
The other day, I half-jokingly said I was going to get a sharpie and some cardboard and go find a busy intersection to stand and try my luck at panhandling. The very next day as I was driving to the library, I saw a man with a cardboard sign that said "Laid off. 2 Kids at home. Short on rent money." It was sobering... I'm blessed that I have such a wonderful group of friends here that have offered whatever assistance I need, from a place to stay rent free until I find something to monetary loans. Some people really are not so lucky. It breaks my heart.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
25 Things
Okay so I've been tagged three times and I know you are supposed to tag others, but I'm not going to. Here goes...
1. I used to store bacon (and other food, but loved bacon the most) in my cheeks for hours when I was a toddler.
2. I have horribly ugly toenails so they are always painted.
3. I married my first love. That relationship lasted 7 years, 4 of those were married years.
4. One of my all time favorite quotes is "I love Jesus, but I drink a little." by Gladys Hardy (On the Ellen show)
5. I love Jesus, but I despise the religious nuts who turn people away from Christianity with their judgment, doctrines and hypocricy and because they don't truly represent WHO Christ is... his love, grace, mercy, forgiveness... We are ALL sinners, ALL hypocrites, ALL in need of a Savior.
6. I've traveled to all 50 states - in less than a year after my divorce.
7. I've never broken a bone, but I've had stitches a few times.
8. I used to be painfully shy, but most people who know me now would never guess it.
9. I have received a job offer for every position I've ever interviewed for except one.
10. I was recently laid off and it's the first time I've ever left a job NOT on my terms. Kinda scary.
11. I sucked on a fish's head once when I was about a year old... yes, the head was still attached to the body and yes it was still alive... freaked my mom out!
12. My parents were missionaries to the Philippines when I was 9.
13. I went skydiving twice last year and have two trips planned this year.
14. I'm determined to not let FEAR stop me from LIVING and experiencing as much as this life has to offer.
15. I never ever want to have children (but as a woman, I reserve the right to change my mind). It's almost impossible to find a man who doesn't want kids... Who would've thunk it??
16. I have 10 siblings. I'm the oldest girl, second oldest child.
17. In 7th grade, right after relocating from Phoenix, AZ to Juneau, AK - a young boy ensured his place in my life and captured my heart and friendship forever when he took the blame for my fart during sit-ups in P.E. class. Andy Boman is my BFF!!!
18. I'm right handed, but left-eye dominant - which makes it difficult to shoot a rifle, but I'm an excellent shot with a handgun.
19. Only once in my life (and hopefully never again) did I think I would actually have to use that gun in self defense. Thank God he rescued me.
20. I have had so many near-death experiences that I'm no longer afraid of dying. When it's my time, I'll go.
21. Although I'm not afraid of dying, I'm terrified of drowning...
22. I have a love/hate relationship with running.
23. I struggle with more insecurities than anyone would ever believe - but I have almost mastered the art of appearing confident to everyone I come in contact with.
24. I have a seemingly insurmountable amount of debt and can't seem to get out.
25. I absolutely love my life, my freedom and my GIRLFRIENDS.
1. I used to store bacon (and other food, but loved bacon the most) in my cheeks for hours when I was a toddler.
2. I have horribly ugly toenails so they are always painted.
3. I married my first love. That relationship lasted 7 years, 4 of those were married years.
4. One of my all time favorite quotes is "I love Jesus, but I drink a little." by Gladys Hardy (On the Ellen show)
5. I love Jesus, but I despise the religious nuts who turn people away from Christianity with their judgment, doctrines and hypocricy and because they don't truly represent WHO Christ is... his love, grace, mercy, forgiveness... We are ALL sinners, ALL hypocrites, ALL in need of a Savior.
6. I've traveled to all 50 states - in less than a year after my divorce.
7. I've never broken a bone, but I've had stitches a few times.
8. I used to be painfully shy, but most people who know me now would never guess it.
9. I have received a job offer for every position I've ever interviewed for except one.
10. I was recently laid off and it's the first time I've ever left a job NOT on my terms. Kinda scary.
11. I sucked on a fish's head once when I was about a year old... yes, the head was still attached to the body and yes it was still alive... freaked my mom out!
12. My parents were missionaries to the Philippines when I was 9.
13. I went skydiving twice last year and have two trips planned this year.
14. I'm determined to not let FEAR stop me from LIVING and experiencing as much as this life has to offer.
15. I never ever want to have children (but as a woman, I reserve the right to change my mind). It's almost impossible to find a man who doesn't want kids... Who would've thunk it??
16. I have 10 siblings. I'm the oldest girl, second oldest child.
17. In 7th grade, right after relocating from Phoenix, AZ to Juneau, AK - a young boy ensured his place in my life and captured my heart and friendship forever when he took the blame for my fart during sit-ups in P.E. class. Andy Boman is my BFF!!!
18. I'm right handed, but left-eye dominant - which makes it difficult to shoot a rifle, but I'm an excellent shot with a handgun.
19. Only once in my life (and hopefully never again) did I think I would actually have to use that gun in self defense. Thank God he rescued me.
20. I have had so many near-death experiences that I'm no longer afraid of dying. When it's my time, I'll go.
21. Although I'm not afraid of dying, I'm terrified of drowning...
22. I have a love/hate relationship with running.
23. I struggle with more insecurities than anyone would ever believe - but I have almost mastered the art of appearing confident to everyone I come in contact with.
24. I have a seemingly insurmountable amount of debt and can't seem to get out.
25. I absolutely love my life, my freedom and my GIRLFRIENDS.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Insecure
So, I've been seeing this guy, Ken, for 8 weeks now... well, a little longer, but our first official date was 8 weeks ago today.
I like him. But being in this new relationship, lots of insecurities are coming to the surface that I didn't even know existed. I am also experiencing emotions that I have not allowed for many years - vulnerability, jealousy, feelings of inadequacy - just to name a few. I'm not quite sure how to handle all of it. Part of me just wants to end it and walk away and not have to deal with any emotional discomfort (growth?). But part of me would miss him very much. I like him - even in spite of what I consider to be his flaws.
I like him. But being in this new relationship, lots of insecurities are coming to the surface that I didn't even know existed. I am also experiencing emotions that I have not allowed for many years - vulnerability, jealousy, feelings of inadequacy - just to name a few. I'm not quite sure how to handle all of it. Part of me just wants to end it and walk away and not have to deal with any emotional discomfort (growth?). But part of me would miss him very much. I like him - even in spite of what I consider to be his flaws.
Laid Off
I was laid off from my job as Executive Assistant with SRM Development on Friday, January 16th. I don't know what it is about that day (was my wedding anniversary and also the day my ex husband moved out), but I'm tempted to make a note on my calendar for future years to stay in bed that day.
I really thought I was safe through at least one more round of lay offs. After the November layoffs, the company tried to reassure everyone and ensured that no more layoffs were expected. I didn't believe that, but really thought they would do it by seniority. At least seniority by department, but seeing as how there is a young man still employed in my department with only about a year of service under his belt, and I, with 4 years was let go... well, it just confirms my 4-year suspicion that the company is still a "good ol' boys club" and unless you've got an extra appendage between your legs, you're screwed. :) Honestly, I am not just being bitter - that really is how it is around there. When I asked about their reasoning for letting me go instead of Jeff, my boss looked completely perplexed and said that Jeff's name never even came up, but that I brought up a good point because he made about what I make (a little more, actually) and he's no more qualified than I am and he's not doing anything that I'm not capable of taking over... but in the end, the decision had already been made. Boss man even acknowledged that he knew it wasn't a satisfactory answer, but that was the final answer.
Jim, my boss, really is a good guy. I know it was hard for him to lay me off because I think he really does care about what happens to me. It's also going to suck for him because I did EVERYTHING for the man. He negotiated double my severance pay so I'm grateful for that, but he's contacted me a couple times already earlier this week because he didn't know where something was or how to do something. I went in and worked half the day for free on Wednesday and will be going back in sometime early next month to train someone on a couple of my duties... I know that is above and beyond and I get a lot of crap from my friends for working for free, but he did double my severance and he has done me a lot of favors over the years. This is one bridge I don't want to burn... in fact, I need to strengthen it because I may very well need that network sooner or later.
The job market here in Spokane is not great. There are a lot of job openings for entry or very low level administrative/customer service positions, but no Human Resources or Executive Assistant jobs. I know I may have to take a cut in pay, but I'm just not ready to accept a $5 or $6/hour cut quite yet. In the mean time, I'll be making a little more than half my salary in unemployment...
I'm trying to keep a positive attitude and keep the faith that God has a plan and He will guide me to where I need to be. Trying to keep my eyes and ears open (both physically and spiritually speaking) for opportunities. I'm open to moving, but it would have to be the right job... because I'd be leaving behind a wonderful group of friends and a man that I'm growing more fond of with each moment I spend with him. Wondering if it's time to start distancing myself so it doesn't hurt so much if/when I have to move...
I really thought I was safe through at least one more round of lay offs. After the November layoffs, the company tried to reassure everyone and ensured that no more layoffs were expected. I didn't believe that, but really thought they would do it by seniority. At least seniority by department, but seeing as how there is a young man still employed in my department with only about a year of service under his belt, and I, with 4 years was let go... well, it just confirms my 4-year suspicion that the company is still a "good ol' boys club" and unless you've got an extra appendage between your legs, you're screwed. :) Honestly, I am not just being bitter - that really is how it is around there. When I asked about their reasoning for letting me go instead of Jeff, my boss looked completely perplexed and said that Jeff's name never even came up, but that I brought up a good point because he made about what I make (a little more, actually) and he's no more qualified than I am and he's not doing anything that I'm not capable of taking over... but in the end, the decision had already been made. Boss man even acknowledged that he knew it wasn't a satisfactory answer, but that was the final answer.
Jim, my boss, really is a good guy. I know it was hard for him to lay me off because I think he really does care about what happens to me. It's also going to suck for him because I did EVERYTHING for the man. He negotiated double my severance pay so I'm grateful for that, but he's contacted me a couple times already earlier this week because he didn't know where something was or how to do something. I went in and worked half the day for free on Wednesday and will be going back in sometime early next month to train someone on a couple of my duties... I know that is above and beyond and I get a lot of crap from my friends for working for free, but he did double my severance and he has done me a lot of favors over the years. This is one bridge I don't want to burn... in fact, I need to strengthen it because I may very well need that network sooner or later.
The job market here in Spokane is not great. There are a lot of job openings for entry or very low level administrative/customer service positions, but no Human Resources or Executive Assistant jobs. I know I may have to take a cut in pay, but I'm just not ready to accept a $5 or $6/hour cut quite yet. In the mean time, I'll be making a little more than half my salary in unemployment...
I'm trying to keep a positive attitude and keep the faith that God has a plan and He will guide me to where I need to be. Trying to keep my eyes and ears open (both physically and spiritually speaking) for opportunities. I'm open to moving, but it would have to be the right job... because I'd be leaving behind a wonderful group of friends and a man that I'm growing more fond of with each moment I spend with him. Wondering if it's time to start distancing myself so it doesn't hurt so much if/when I have to move...
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