Anchor

My recent bout of restlessness has been the source of some anxiety for my boyfriend. I go through phases, as mentioned before, where I just want to go away. Somewhere. Anywhere. I miss the days of wandering around the country or even the short weekend get-away trips alone. I miss the days of spontaneously jumping in my car and flipping a coin to determine the direction and then just driving as long and as far as I want, without planning or even telling anyone. Ken told me last night that he feels like he’s keeping me tied down and that he doesn’t want to be my anchor. There seems to be a negative implication in the word “anchor” and in the past I’ve run from anyone or anything that made me feel weighted down.

I got to thinking about what he said. I don’t like the idea of being tied down or held back from something I want to do or experience. I don’t like the idea of losing my freedom and independence or having to rely on someone. I don’t like having to take someone else’s opinion or feelings into consideration. I don’t want to have to answer to someone and I certainly don’t like my actions having an affect on another person. This is a small part of the reason I don’t want children. I want to be able to do what I want to do, when I want to do it and deal with the consequences (good or bad) on my own. I know how selfish all of this sounds and although not all of my intentions are self-serving, I won’t argue the point.

That being said, I remember the years of random drives, spontaneous road trips and adventures that I was blessed to be able to go on, and feeling so sad, empty and lonely. As much as I loved my freedom and solitude, I longed for someone to share experiences with. While I don’t go on nearly as many “adventures” these days, those that I do go on, I have someone to share them with and I cherish each of those moments and memories.

My life has been rather tumultuous lately with family drama up to my eyeballs, work issue, health concerns, financial struggles, etc. It’s like being right in the middle of a relentless storm. Through all of it, Ken has stood there by my side. He has borne the burden of my frustrations, vent sessions, tears, insecurities, fears and anger. He has remained calm when I am agitated, unruffled in the midst of my own personal turbulence. He has been steadfast and solid. He has been my anchor in this storm.

Maybe an anchor is not such a bad thing. Maybe it is just what I’ve needed. Maybe it has saved me from being carried out to sea. Maybe it has saved my life.

One of my favorite songs in troubled times is “The Anchor Holds” by Ray Boltz. The chorus says:

The anchor holds
Though the ship is battered
The anchor holds
Though the sails are torn
I have fallen on my knees
As I faced the raging seas
The anchor holds
In spite of the storm

The song is referring to God as the anchor and I certainly don’t want to take anything away from that truth, but it holds true for Ken too. I know he’s human and he has and will fail me, but I love him and I'm eternally grateful that he has been my anchor. I just need to find balance in my life!

"A faithful companion is a sure anchor." ~Motto

Has-Been

After uploading all of my birthday pictures, I pulled out the cards I received so I could read them all again. They were very sweet cards from some of my best friends, but I couldn't help but feel a little sad. One friend wrote, "you live each day to the fullest and with all your heart. I have never met anyone so fun and exciting to be around with such great stories..." Another card said, "you've been such a source of joy and inspiration in my life" and another friend wrote, "I respect you more than anyone I know. You are selfless and there for me at my best and my worst." All of them said something about me being adventurous, fun, inspiring and making their lives brighter.

I tried to think of the last exciting adventurous or inspring thing I've done and I'm drawing a blank. Don't get me wrong, I've had a lot of crazy wonderful experiences in my life and I don't mean to invalidate those adventures, but I feel like a has-been. How long can I live off the road trip of a lifetime where I was able to visit all 50 states? Or my two sky-diving experiences? Or my years of restless wandering and impromptu trips?

And when was the last time I did anything selfless or worthy of respect? I've been so caught up in the little details of my own life, my family drama and the struggles of my long-distance relationship that I really haven't been a very good friend to those I love. My eyes have been on myself... not others.

A lot has changed in my life over the last two years. I'm thankful for a decent job with good benefits, but it barely pays the bills and doesn't afford me the luxury of being spontaneous or adventurous very often. I still have a seemingly insurmountable mountain of debt and I'm trying to be the responsible one and focus on getting that taken care of. I am blessed with a wonderful, solid, steadfast man in my life. Our relationship has encouraged growth and has broken down walls I thought were impenetrable. But I'm so afraid of losing my identity, independence and freedom. I'm feeling restless and I have to fight the urge to sell everything I own and hit the road again...

I'm just tired of feeling like a fake and a has-been. I'm ready to start living life to the fullest again, but I am having a hard time finding the balance between living a responsible life and a fun, carefree and adventurous life.

Birthday Weekend Pics

Friday was my birthday. I took the day off and invited lots of friends out on Thursday night to celebrate with dinner and dueling pianos. I got a lot of responses from friends who said they wanted to go, but in the end, just a handful of us showed up. While part of me was really disappointed in how many people flaked, I know I'm blessed and I'm grateful for the few who did show. We had a great time.

Here I'm getting a birthday squeeze!


And here are a few of the people that showed up (minus Lisa and Amanda).


And Lisa and I both had to sit on the pianos while they serenaded us...

Lisa's birthday is just a few days before mine! I love her!!

A good time was had by all.

Friday morning, Ken and I hit the road in search of a place to camp for the weekend and we found the perfect spot at Albeni Cove in Oldtown, Idaho (about 5 minutes outside of Newport, WA). It was just the two of us and although it was cold and windy, we stayed dry.

We were greeted on the trail by a couple of squirrels mating. They were determined to finish the deed no matter what interruptions they had to endure. This little squirrel started chasing them around and they stayed connected while they shimmied up and around the tree, finally out onto a branch and were literally hanging upside down humping! WTF! He must've been good!

Our campsite was gorgeous, right on the Pend O'reille River. Here are a couple shots of the beautiful view from our campsite.

Here is our site and a pretty bridge on the grounds.

And of course no camping trip is complete without steaks and pork n beans!!

It got pretty windy so we had to spend a couple hours in the tent. Good thing he brought his cribbage board. :)

Over all, I had a fabulous weekend. Unfortunately, Ken doesn't get weekends off so I'm not sure if we'll have any more opportunities to camp together this summer. Which is sad because look how sexy he is sitting next to a big fire.

In other news...

Okay, now that I got that unpleasant venting session out of the way, I feel a little bit better. I do love my mother, but I'm just so incredibly disappointed in her and hurt... and worried for my little siblings. But that is all old news.

On the brighter side of life, this coming Friday is my birthday. I've always loved my birthday. It is my favorite day of the year. Today, my bosses brought in a cake and some cards and a gift. It was very sweet of them! I'm looking forward to this weekend. I took Friday off so Thursday I'm going to meet up with a few friends for dinner and then we're going out for some Dueling Piano entertainment at Gibliano Brothers Piano Bar. I'm really excited for a low-key evening with good friends! Friday, Ken and I are heading out to go camping. I'm not exactly sure where yet. We had a lot of suggestions and never having been to any of them, it's really difficult to know which suggestion to take. Most of the sites we've looked at online are first come, first served. So, we'll probably just head out Friday morning and see what we can find. The weather forecast isn't looking so great, but rain or shine, it's going to be a great weekend. I love camping! We've let everyone know they are welcome to join us, but I have a feeling it'll be just the two of us... which is fine by me. :)

In other news, I've been getting back into the habit of working out. The first week, I worked out 5 days, which included 15+ miles of running, 9+ miles of biking and two days each of lower and upper body workouts with weights. Lost a big fat ZERO pounds. Week two, worked out 4 days and "golfed" two days. (By golf, I mean, I went to a 9 hole, 3 par course for beginners). I'm two days into week three and I'm two for two. 4 miles running/walking and 9+ miles biking, plus weights, core strengthening and the dreaded lunges. I'm also trying to eat healthier and significantly reduce empty calories. I still haven't seen any weight loss, but I'm hoping that changes soon.

I get to go to Juneau in less than two months. I'm so excited to see my family and for them to meet Ken. Part of me is sad that my mother and little siblings wont be there, but I'm trying to just get in the mindset that Ken will likely never meet them... at least not for several years. But at least he'll get to meet the rest of the family and some friends too. It seems like a lifetime ago that I lived there and although I swore when I left that I would never miss that "God-forsaken town," I find that I really do miss it. A visit will be good... should cure me of that for a while. :)

And on that note, I'm signing off. Time for bed.

Mom

It's Mother's Day and my heart is heavy. Normally, I'd send my mom flowers when I could afford it or a card and heartfelt letter when money was tight. At the very least, I'd wake up and call her first thing in the morning, before the craziness of her day ensued. I'd thank her for who she is in my life and for always being there for me.

Today is different. In the past 3+ months, I've spoken to my mother once for about 5 or 10 minutes. I don't have her phone number or an address where I can send something. She has made it perfectly clear that she doesn't want to be a part of my life right now and that hurts more than if anyone else I know walked out of my life. I didn't even know where she was until a couple of weeks ago! While I now know she is living with my uncle, I don't have his phone number or address and although I could find that information out, I don't know that she'd even talk to me.

Last year on Mother's Day, I wrote a blog about my mom. I hope and pray this is just one of those temporary lapse in judgment or one of those times of poor choices from which she will rise. I miss her more than words can express. She was my confidant, my advisor, my best friend... my mom. While we didn't always see eye to eye, our relationship was priceless to me. It grieves me that she was able to walk away from that. I feel abandoned. I think that what hurts the most is that all of my other brothers and sisters have heard from her. Not often, but at least since she moved to Texas. Why she chooses to avoid contact with me is beyond me.

So, in case you are out there somewhere, reading this, Mom... I miss you. I'm praying for you. I love you. Happy Mother's Day.