Catch & Release

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them!" It's a quote I use ALL the time, so why is it that I can't seem to follow my own advice (yet again)? I give chance after chance after chance, always giving them the benefit of the doubt - and EVERY time, it's the same result. Isn't that pretty much the definition of insanity? Trying the same thing over and over, expecting a different result?

I know that part of it is that I have been shown so much grace and been given so many chances that I feel I must pay that forward. I forgive seventy times seven, but I still don't let most people back in. I have huge trust issues and those who have broken it have a long road to travel to earn it back. I can build a wall around my heart in the blink of an eye and offer friendship without letting someone too far in.

But with John, it's different.

I feel like I'm stuck in a continuous game of catch and release. He throws out his line & bait (his smile, those dimples, those eyes, his charm, words, kisses and the good times) and I bite. The man compliments me like no one else ever has with comments about my life having the fragrance of Christ, or seeing Christ in me, or how rare it is to find a woman with a heart for God. He comments on my compassion, my commitment to my family and friends, my ability to love and forgive without reason, the grace and mercy I freely offer. Those are the things I want people to see in me - not the superficial outward perception of beauty that fades (not that I mind a superficial compliment from time to time, mind you). Once he has me hooked, he reels me in and although I fight a little, he always wins. And as soon as he gets me to the point where I accept and even welcome and anticipate my fate and this relationship, suddenly, he decides to let me go. His reasons are always the same, yet different. He isn't ready for a relationship, for commitment. He is still in love with the ex-wife and wants to see his family restored. He wants some time to just figure out who he is and what he wants... he wants his freedom. He throws me back - although it's always kind of begrudgingly because he knows there are others out there, trying to lure me with their bait. He doesn't like it, but he knows it was his choice to let me go. However, he always keeps an eye on me and before long, he's after me again. It's like he forgets what attracts him to me when I'm around and as soon as he throws me back, he remembers again.

I feel like a dumb fish. I *know* what he's going to do, yet I give him so many chances. How long until I'll be strong enough to resist the bait and just swim away? I try so hard not to get my hopes up or have any expectations of him because I know it will only lead to disappointment, but if I'm honest - my hopes and expectations are up. I say that I'm guarding my heart, but the truth is - that is easier said than done. I've already let him in.

I've been trying to just float - to resist the urge to run away - but I can only sit in this vulnerable state for so long before I will be forced to run for cover.