Relapse

I served at the Union Gospel Mission on Tuesday night and saw a familiar face. I met this guy (about my age) a little over a year ago. He was in one of their recovery programs, addicted to meth, separated and headed for divorce when his wife found out she was pregnant. He checked himself in and has made amazing leaps - huge progress. He has been clean for a little over a year, was able to reconcile with his wife and then a few months ago - moved out of the Mission and back home with his wife and kids - one being a newborn. He's found direction and purpose and has been doing great. Every time I serve, I look for him and not seeing him is bittersweet. Sad for purely selfish reasons - he is encouraging, uplifting, inspirational, kind and full of love and life. Happy though, that he is out of that place and doing well. Tuesday I saw him standing in line for food and my heart sunk. There was a sadness in his smile and I knew he had relapsed. He got to my station (I was serving dessert) and asked me to stick around to talk after. I did.

Turns out he and the wife have been having some trouble lately and he just kept trying and trying. He was doing everything he could in his own strength, but he wasn't going to God, praying, seeking direction. After a while, it got to be too much and he relapsed. He turned back to his old method of dealing with stuff... it was just once - but that was one time too many. He's back at UGM, his wife is furious and wont speak to him or allow him to speak to their children. This, he imagines, must be very hard on their little girl who finally got used to him being in her life again. They had their bedtime traditions - books, singing together, praying together and him tucking her in... bedtime was their time. Now he's gone and she doesn't even get to talk to him to hear that he still loves her. I can't blame his wife for her anger. I'm sure she feels hurt and betrayed. It's just a bad situation for all involved.

My heart is broken for him. I know all too well the unfaithfulness to our God and our convictions. I know all too well turning to a vice for numbness or some temporary high. I know all too well the feelings of guilt and shame that can so easily entangle and weigh you down. I know all too well the lies that the enemy feeds you about being unworthy of another chance, of grace, mercy, forgiveness, love. I know all too well that feeling of sinking, drowning, losing hope.

I just wanted to throw my arms around him and tell him I didn't judge him, that I could relate. His vice is meth... mine is... well, it's different and will remain unnamed. We talked about God's love and forgiveness... that His mercies are new every morning and that His love endures forever. It's so much easier to believe that for someone else. He is determined to climb out of that hole again. I hope to God this is the last time he'll have to. I look forward to the day when I don't see him during my visits to the Mission - until he is the one serving others, ministering to people who are where he has been.