Christmas

For the last several years, Christmas has been one of my least favorite days of the year. I chose to spend it alone most of those years because it was less disappointing that way. No, I'm not talking about the gift giving tradition. My last Christmas married, I had what I thought was one of the best days of my life. I let myself believe him again... I let myself hope that everything was going to be alright and that we'd make it after all. It was a day of love-making, cuddling, deep conversations. A day of visiting with family and friends with absolutely no negativity on his part... and yes, even some really great gifts including a ring I'd had my eye on. It truly was a perfect day. The next day, however, I stopped by his place of work to surprise him with some lunch and he was not happy to see me. He rushed me out the door and told me he didn't love me anymore and wanted a divorce. He told me he just didn't want to ruin my Christmas so he put off telling me until the next day. Basically, everything I thought to be perfect and full of love was a lie.

Since then, I've not looked forward to Christmas and I've never been in a relationship during the holidays. Most years, I chose to spend the day alone except for a couple of family visits, and even then, I made myself scarce. It was easier that way. Even last Christmas, Ken and I were so new that even though there were no expectations and we hung out with his family... and it wasn't a great day. It's amazing how long we fight our demons...

This year was different. I found it difficult at times to really let go and allow myself to let my guard down a little bit. I'd find myself really enjoying the day and then those horrible thoughts and fears that it was too good to be true would creep in. I decided (again, it seems to be a daily choice) that I wasn't going to let fear of tomorrow ruin today. And I did have an amazing day! Ken was so good to me. We did non-stockings this year since neither of us have a stocking. I think it will be our tradition. Then we cooked a light breakfast together and opened gifts. One of the things he asked for was a picture of me that he could frame. I wrapped two with a CD of a whole photo shoot a friend did for me and told him he could pick whichever picture(s) he preferred. His eyes welled up with tears and he told me he thinks I am so beautiful and he feel so lucky to have me. Go figure, the gift that cost me the least was his favorite!

We cooked an amazing Christmas dinner and ate by candlelight. After that, the emotion of the day caught up to me. I couldn't contain my tears. But it was a good thing. He held me and listened as I told him that my last happy Christmas turned out to be a lie and how hard it was to just enjoy the day and push back my fears... and I told him how thankful I was that he was in my life. That even though life hasn't turned out for either of us like we had hoped and planned, our roads have led us to each other. And though I can't see the future or the place where those roads part, I love him and am so grateful for all he has been and all he IS to me.

It was a good day... and I hope yours was full of love and laughter as well.

Tears

A life without love is a life without tears. You only cry when you care.

Anniversary

So... for our "anniversary," Ken did good! He made plans for me to go to Zi Spa for their Heart & Sole treatment. I enjoyed an amazing one-hour massage, followed by a glass of wine and a pedicure. I can't tell you how much I enjoyed that! Since being laid off in January and finally getting a job, but making less money than I have in many years, I haven't spent any money on pampering myself.

Funny thing is, my plan for an anniversary gift was a couple's massage at the same spa the next day! So, we're still going to do it, but it'll just be later... I think it's kind of funny how much alike we think. I can't tell you how many times one of us will say exactly what the other is thinking... or we'll send a similar text to each other at the same time. It's just weird.

Procrastination

I'm procrastinating. I brought home the "test performance review" I'm supposed to be working on for the gal I supervise. I haven't had to give a PR in over 5 years, but I can tell already that I don't like writing them any more now than I did before. :)

So, instead of doing what I'm supposed to do, I'm playing on facebook, getting caught up on reading my friend's blog entries and watching a re-run of the Academy of Country Music Awards. I'm house sitting so I actually have internet access and cable. I'm not sure how I can be expected to do anything productive when I've been going through tv/internet withdrawals.

So, how am I? I'm being tormented by my demons... telling me that no man is trustworthy, that I am inadequate, that I will never be enough (pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough, desirable enough.... just ENOUGH). Yesterday was the anniversary of my first date with Ken. Some days I can't believe we have been together this long. I can't believe I have stayed this long. It's so much easier to walk away than to forgive and be open and vulnerable. I can't believe he's stuck by my side in spite of all my walls and doubt. He's been in Moses Lake for a week now... and I'm just taking it one day at a time. It's the only way I keep any shred of sanity.

I know I'm blessed and I try to focus on the positive in my daily life... So, in the words of Louisa May Alcott, "I will make a battering-ram of my head and make my way through this rough and tumble world."

Long Distance

I REALLY need to get internet service at home. And soon, I'll be forced to, I think.

So, for those who don't know, my boyfriend of just about a year was offered a promotion that will take him to Moses Lake. While Moses Lake is only an hour and a half away, I'm still really struggling with this. I go from being okay with it to being angry (irrational, I know), to just being downright sad. I did a pretty damn good job of keeping my walls up for soooo long. And the moment I let it down and allow myself to fall in love, he moves away. I've always said I will NEVER even consider a long distance relationship again. I have a hard enough time trusting someone when I see them every day. But that's old news, I guess. At any rate, I spent last Saturday house hunting with him and the place sucks big hairy elephant balls. No really, it does! I was expecting a fairly cute, small town but there is nothing cute about it. It's a HOLE! And the crime rate is surprisingly high. I keep hearing horror stories about gang activity, drive by shootings and break ins from the new 911 supervisor we hired from there. Okay, that is something I would expect in, say, Phoenix or even Tacoma, but a town of under 19,000? WTF?! Ugh.

I'm really just trying to stay calm and balanced and not get overly emotional about anything. Deep down I know that what is meant to be, will be. And normally I take comfort in that. Right now, however, I am having a hard time letting go. We'll do the long distance thing for a while and continue to take it one day at a time. He'll probably be moving right before Thanksgiving and I'll probably be spending every weekend there with him, as long as weather doesn't keep me home. Which means I'll have to find a church in Moses Lake... But I'll stop myself before I ramble too much.

Simply put, I'm scared.

Little White Lies

Little white lies about seemingly unimportant things are still lies. They still hurt. They still break trust. They still damage the relationship. Why do people take that chance?

Love

"Love keeps no record of wrongs...."

Struggling here....

The Best Friend

So, Ken's best friend is in town. She lives in Iowa with her husband and a couple of kids, but her family is still in Spokane so she is here for a visit. I know her opinion means a lot to him. I hope I make a good impression on her. I don't know why I always get this social anxiety when I know I'm going to meet new people. I went out alone last night for the first time in a long time and met a few people and had no problem talking to them, no anxiety... I guess it's different if you really don't care what people think of you.
I am excited to meet her though... and I'm even more excited about Olive Garden. Yay for yummy salad and breadsticks.

It's been a boring week... Ready for some excitement in my life!!!

Fraud

Sometimes I feel like a fraud. Like any day people will start to realize that I'm not who they think I am. I wonder when my bosses will realize I'm not the competent, intelligent person they think I am. Or that the man in my life will open his eyes and realize what a silly, overweight, needy, scared, weak girl I am instead if the strong, beautiful, independent, confident woman he thinks I am. Or that my friends will realize what a selfish, boring person I am instead if the fun-loving, caring, trustworthy friend they see.

Compassion

I know this is terrible, but I'm having a hard time being compassionate today. Some days I just want to scream. I want to tell people to stop coming to me with their problems because I can't do a damn thing about them. Some days I want to tell people to put on their big girl panties and deal with it. Some days I want to tell people that life just plain effing sucks! Get used to it! Toughen up! It ain't gonna get any easier! People lie to you, they leave you, they betray you, they cheat, they hurt you, they die. It sucks. It hurts. But they can't take it back even if they wanted to and you can't undo it. You deal with it and you move forward with your life.

It's not that I don't genuinely feel bad for people. I do. Its just that I hurt when others hurt... and when you pile that on to the hurt that I deal with in my own life, some days its simply unbearable. Even as I write this I'm having a major guilt attack. I know some things you just don't "get over." As most of you know, I spent YEARS mourning the loss of my husband and the life that I hoped for and planned on. But sometimes those moments of impatience from friends made me realize I couldn't keep carrying on about this stuff forever. It was time to stand on my own and start focusing on the road ahead instead of the rear view mirror.

I am thankful that people find me trustworthy and that they value my opinion... Honestly, I am. Maybe I'm just jealous that I don't feel like I have anyone at the moment that I can go to with my issues... so I suppress them and look where it gets me. All angry and irritable and cynical...

Today, I am not a reflection of love. I am not patient or kind. I feel jealous, want to be rude and am proud.... and on and on.

** Lord, fill me with your love, once again.**

Here's hoping for a better day tomorrow.

Jesus & Kiss

I saw a van today with Jesus decals plastered all over it... and right alongside every Jesus decal was a Kiss band decal. I don't know why that got my funny bone, but I'm still chuckling every time I think about it.

Speaking of Love...

I've been in love twice... but have questioned the authenticity of that "love" when it ended. Does true love ever end?

Some people, myself included, have a tendency to over-emotionalize and some even tend to think they are in love, when they are not. I have friends who think they are in love with every guy they date and even some they never get the chance to date. It's funny, but sad.

The best definition of love is in the Bible and I don't care if you are a "believer" or not - you put it to the test for yourself and you'll see... There is no better checklist to confirm love. Love, of course, is not just a feeling - it is a choice. So, as a reminder to myself, lest I forget or allow my emotions to get ahead of me, here it is:

Love is patient
Love is kind
It does not envy
It does not boast
It is not proud
It is not rude
It is not self-seeking
It is not easily angered
It keeps no record of wrongs
Love does not delight in evil
But rejoices with the truth
It always protects
Always trusts
Always hopes
Always perseveres
Love never fails.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Hopefully I will have a relationship some day that truly mirrors this list... Where I can insert my name where it says "Love" and he can insert his name there as well. In fact, hopefully ALL of my relationships will mirror this list some day. I'm not there yet...

That being said, when or if I get to that point with someone, why are the words "I Love You" so difficult to spit out? If you love someone, shouldn't you tell them?

Single

I've been spending a lot of time with Ken and find that I'm with him more than I'm alone. I have maybe two evenings a week where I don't see him but it's usually because I've got something else going on. Tonight, I am home alone and have absolutely no plans. I was talking to my sister on the phone and she asked what I was doing. I admitted that I was standing over the stove, eating out of the pan. She commented how nice it is to be able to eat right out of the pan or do whatever else my heart desires without anyone else looking at me funny. It got me thinking about all the good things about being single (as in unmarried) and living alone. Here are a few:

Eating straight out of the pan/jar/box/bag, etc
Being nekkid!!!
Controlling the remote (I don't get any tv channels, but I get to pick my movies)
Being as messy as I want
Being as clean as I want
Carrying on multiple text, email, instant message conversations as I want without someone feeling ignored
Hours and hours of pointless facebook and myspace quizzes/bulletins
Passing gas & belching at will
Not having to close the bathroom door
Leaving my hair stuff & makeup all over the bathroom
Going to sleep when I want
Not having to be quiet when insomnia strikes
Not having to check with someone else before doing what I want to do
Spontaneity!!
Not having to share a closet or dressers
The entire bed is "my side of the bed"
No one hogging all the blankets/pillows
Keeping the temperature at MY comfort level

Those are just a few... And even though I'm not married, some of those things I'm already losing...

Sad, that.

After a while.

I read this on a friend of a friend's blog... It really struck a chord in me.


After a while, you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads
On today because tomorrow's ground
Is too uncertain. And futures have
A way of falling down in midflight,
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth
You learn and you learn...
With every goodbye you learn

-Veronica A Shofstall

Happy

Camping last weekend was a blast! Ken even came out on Sunday afternoon and stayed the night even though he had to work Monday afternoon. I can't even tell you how happy that made me. I was impressed! He didn't sleep well (he forgot his pillow and I never bring pillows camping) but he never complained about anything and he seemed to have a really good time. He even got along with my friends. Why does this surprise me so much??? Probably because I just expect everyone to be as unsociable as my ex-husband. Ken definitely earned points with me this weekend.

Tuesday morning, I was supposed to be at work an hour early for a Board Meeting and I totally spaced it. I got a call at 7:10 from a coworker asking if I was on my way. Um, no! I was standing there stark naked trying to decide what to wear. I got to work a little after 7:30 and beat myself up about being late all day. But then Scott pulled me aside and said, Sandra, the bosses think you shit gold nuggets so stop being so hard on yourself. Ha! I do feel fortunate that my bosses think so highly of me (so far).

Today was a rough day. I don't know what it is, but I had a really hard time with patience. I wanted to rip everyone's heads off. I swear it was national idiot drivers day and then at work people were just driving me crazy. But tonight was my birthday dinner with "The Girls" and that always makes everything all better. I don't know what I'd do without them. Sometimes it sucks not having any family around, but these girls are closer than family. One of these days, I'll have the words to do them justice. All I know is that when I'm with them, everything bad in my world seems to disappear, the sun shines brighter and the smile never leaves my lips. I know that I could face anything in the world as long as I had them by my side!

I don't remember if I posted about De's son and his brain aneurysm. De works closely with my office and his 24 year old son has been in the hospital and had to have open brain surgery after a less invasive surgery failed. Well, all was going well after the brain surgery and they were so impressed with his progress that they sent him home a couple days earlier than expected. A day later, he died. I read the "invitation" to the funeral/celebration of life service. It got me thinking about what kind of legacy I'm leaving behind. What would those around me say about me if I were to unexpectedly meet my end? I should be more mindful of how my life is affecting those around me. I think it might make me live a little better.

Well, I'm fat and happy tonight and my eyelids are already getting heavy. On top of that, I'm almost too warm. I think it's almost that time of year where I have to venture down to the basement storage and dig out my window air conditioner.

Birthdays and Stuff

My sis had her baby on Thursday. He's a cutie - at least from the picture on Anchorage Regional Hospital's baby page. Can't wait to meet him.

Saw Scott & Trouble when they were over this way on Friday... Took them to an old karaoke haunt. It was fun, but who did we run into?? John... the guy I was seeing last summer. He was sucking face with some chick with bunny ears (costume party). After a brief conversation, he kept his distance for the most part. But of course, as always happens when he runs into me somewhere, he called me a couple days later saying that he hasn't been able to stop thinking about me since he saw me. He misses me, remembers what a good thing he had, wanted to know if he could take me to breakfast, even asked what I wanted for my birthday, etc... It irritates me really. I want to be wanted, needed, loved. I want to be missed. But I want someone to realize what they have when they actually have me! Not after it's over and I've moved on. I know I've complained about this before and not to beat a dead horse, but when will men be satisfied with what is right in front of them?

I'm feeling rather melancholy today and I hate that. I don't know where this loneliness is coming from. I spent the last few days with Ken and it's been great. But today - well, this evening anyway - I just feel lonely and sad and bored. Stoooopid! I guess tomorrow I babysit for an hour or so (which will probably turn into a couple hours) and then Thursday, Ken is taking me to dinner for my birthday. And then I have no idea what I'm doing for the 3 day weekend. I'm a little sad that Ken has to work - I was really hoping to go to Leavenworth or something. I would love to go camping, but I'm just not up for doing it alone this time.

So, speaking of my birthday, I've had a lot of emails from friends wondering what's the birthday plan. I've never really been one to plan my own party. Guess if I want to see my friends, I'll have to though. I do love my birthday, but something tells me this one will be quiet and uneventful. Guess that's part of being in a relationship with someone who is an introvert and doesn't know many of my friends yet.

Ken's birthday is June 3rd. Trying to plan something for him, but it's not easy. I have been thinking that he just hasn't introduced me to a lot of his friends, but turns out, I know most of them. I asked him who his 5 closest friends were yesterday and he could only name 4... and 2 of them he hardly talks to or sees. I wanted to plan a surprise party, but it looks like I'll have to settle for just a small get-together at a mutual friend's house the weekend after his b-day. I bought him tickets to the Nickleback concert at the Gorge in August. Hope he is happy with the gift. He has been complaining that he has no idea what to get me. For someone who is usually observant and a very intent listener, he hasn't picked up on a single hint that I've dropped to try to make it easier for him. Men!

I love how quickly music can turn my mood around. I have so much negativity right now but I'm already starting to feel better. Maybe it's time to sign off and turn up the music!

Ramblings

I finally had a conversation with Ken about something that has been bothering me for the past few months. I actually cried. I can't remember the last time I cried in front of a man or because of a man for that matter. He felt so bad, apologized over and over again and seemed sincerely sorry that his actions hurt me so deeply. I wonder if he'll really change.

Saw Star Trek last night. LOVED it!!! I think it might be the best one yet. I think I need a Star Trek movie marathon night sometime soon.

My little sister has been in the hospital for over 48 hours and is just now dilated to 8 cm. They induced labor and broke her water over 24 hours ago. This baby needs to come out, but he just doesn't seem quite ready. Can't say that I blame him!

I listened to a 911 recording today that broke my heart. A mother called when she found her 11 year old daughter hanging in her closet. I can't even imagine what that would do to a mother, but the grief, the terror in her voice was unbearable.

Happy Mom's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all you beautiful moms! You certainly don't get the credit you deserve. I'm sitting here, in the sun in the backyard of the house I'm house-sitting, drinking a strawberry margarita and missing my own mother.

My mom is an incredible woman who has gone through more in her short (almost) 50 years than anyone else I know. She has given birth to 11 children, including one set of twins, that range in age from 4 years old to 32, and she has lost 3. She is a grandmother to 5 children, one step-grandchild, one on the way and one in Heaven. She's been a mother since she was 17 years old. She has been married, divorced, survived some abusive relationships and remarried. She has taught me so much about life, love, forgiveness and grace. She's made some horrible choices and paid dearly for those. She's taught me a lot in life - about what to do and what NOT to do. But the thing about my mom that impresses me the most; the most valuable lesson that she has taught, both in word and action, is that when you fall down, when you fail, when you disappoint yourself, God and all those around you - you GET BACK UP!!! Period! You don't give up, you don't stop trying to be a better person. You don't walk away from your faith with your head hung down in shame. You don't let the opinions, the gossip, the cruelty of others or your own guilt and shame keep you down. You get your eyes back on the path, refocus, repent and you get back up and keep on walking... EVERY TIME!!! It doesn't matter if you make the fail a hundred times - you don't give up. There is grace! There is forgiveness. There is mercy....

Although I don't always agree with my mom and she has the ability to frustrate me more than any other person I know, I love her more than any other person on the planet. I could write a book about her, but most of it would be unbelievable. Just suffice it to say, I love her. I miss her. She is the most amazing woman I've ever had the pleasure of knowing.

Random

It's nice to be hit on.

I wish I could cry... I feel the need for a good, cleansing release.

Since when did communicating with men become so difficult for me? Did I forget how to speak Man-ese?

Ever wonder just what the hell you are doing?

I feel a storm coming on... lots of stuff boiling under the surface...

I survived another Bloomsday on Sunday. My time was my worst yet at 1:23. I don't recommend drinking yourself stupid (or bitchy, as Ken put it) 2 nights before a 7.4 mile run.

I love watching people dance.

I should be sleeping...

...Goodnight Moon!

Quotes

I've read a few quotes lately that have stuck in my head...

It is not light that we need, but fire; it is not the gentle shower, but thunder. We need the storm, the whirlwind, and the earthquake.
- Frederick Douglass, 1817 - 1895

(I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this quote)


No man means all he says, and yet very few say all they mean, for words are slippery and thought is viscous.
- Henry Brooks Adams, 1838 - 1918

It seems to me that the soul, when alone with itself and speaking to itself, uses only a small number of words, none of them extraordinary.
- Paul Ambroise Valéry, 1871 - 1945

And on that note, I'll just say that I'm tired and lonely and as much as I don't want company, I don't want to spend tonight alone.

And to all a good night.

One Long Year

Wow! Hard to believe it's only been a year since "the incident." Most days it feels like a lifetime ago and it still feels like it was just a dream... or more like something someone told me but I didn't really experience for myself.

Although I still don't know for certain all that happened that night, there have been a lot of assumptions, a lot of judgement and a lot of speculation. I have my own opinion of what really happened, but I guess none of that matters anymore.

What does matter is that I've grown a lot over the last year. I feel blessed and thankful for my life, my freedom and my friends who have encouraged and supported and loved me without judgement and without blame.

Enough

Is it wrong to want to feel like I'm enough?
I'm so tired of these feelings of inadequacy. I'm sick of my insecurities.

Value

I've written in the past about confidence, but I've been finding it increasingly difficult lately to take my own words of advice. The last couple of months have taken a toll on my own sense of self worth.

I've heard about people who go through a depression of sorts after being laid off, but I never really thought it would happen to me. I've always held strongly to the belief that I am not defined by what I do for work, what man is in my life or the family & friends I have, but by WHO I am. Yes, all of those things contribute to shaping who we are, but these are not the things that establish our value. That being said, I've noticed over the last couple of months that I have been battling depression, anxiety and just an overall lack of self confidence. I've never been one to need reassurance, compliments or verbal affirmations, but the lack of those lately has definitely affected me. The silence is deafening because in the absence of positive words, the negativity of my own mind screams. Maybe it's because I no longer work with 3 of my closest friends so I'm not getting my daily dose of love or maybe it has something to do with feeling like I have less to offer lately. I've been unemployed, haven't been getting a lot of calls or interviews or even responses to the countless applications and resumes I've sent out. The lack of steady income has made me cut back on my social/networking outings so I feel almost like I've become a hermit in comparison to my usually full social life. Maybe it has something to do with insecurities that are surfacing as they relate to my current relationship. Maybe it's a combination of a lot of things, but it's really been a rough couple of months and I find myself feeling low, inadequate, undesirable, vulnerable.

It's not something that I have even been able to articulate but a recent conversation with my father made me feel that all these emotions I've been experiencing are valid. That in itself is interesting to me. I love my father very much, but we are very different and this is only the second time in my life that I felt that he truly understood me. It was refreshing.

I have finally found a job. It's less money than I hoped for, but I think it's going to work out just fine and I'm extremely grateful that I've found something. It's tough watching interviews on the news every day and realizing just how many people out there have been unemployed for so much longer than I have been. They have lost almost all hope. The position I was offered was the first job I applied for after being laid off 8 weeks ago. It has taken them this long to screen applicants and conduct interviews. Apparently over 250 people applied for this position. I feel very fortunate to be the one they picked and, honestly, this has boosted my confidence. I never thought a job offer would do so much for my own sense of self worth.

I do feel very fortunate to be surrounded by amazing people. My family is very supportive and I have a great guy in my life and wonderful friends who have been very patient and encouraging. I guess I just want to encourage everyone to put into words what you think or feel about the people in your life - not just once, but as often as you think it. Sometimes we all just need to hear it. And for those suffering from depression or going through an identity crisis or lacking self confidence - remember that your value is in WHO you are - not what you do, how much you make or what you look like. Each and every one of my friends are important to me and I can't imagine my life without you.

You are priceless!

Good Fortune & Favor

The streak continues. I've been offered every job for which I've interviewed (unless I withdrew interest first).

Got a conditional job offer - the conditions being the result of a polygraph and background check and reference checks Polygraph was this morning. Results from both should come back mid-next-week. My tentative start date is March 23rd.

Kinda weird. I was laid off January 16th (would have been my anniversary and also the anniversary of the day my ex husband moved out). My start date is scheduled for March 23rd (the anniversary of my divorce). Strange... just sayin...

There are pros and cons about the job, but the biggest "con" is the pay. It'll be about $2.50 an hour less than I was making at SRM. In 6 months, I'd get a $1/hour increase after successfully completing probation, and then annual increases thereafter. Anyways, I don't wanna jump the gun so when it's official, I'll fill y'all in.

Meanwhile, I still haven't received a single unemployment check and my savings is quickly dwindling. Ouch!!! So I gotta go deal with that now.

Tell Her

Know what bugs me? It kinda falls under the "when it rains it pours" category. I think it's interesting how I seem to go through these strange cycles with men in my past. I wont hear from any of them in months and then out of the blue, I'll hear from 4 or 5 of them over the course of a couple days. Now, these are not all men I've actually dated, but they are men who have pursued me and then settled for friendship when that is all I was willing or able to offer. Six have contacted me just since Saturday.

This evening at poker, I ran into a man I met last year on St. Patrick's day. We hung out a few times, but I told him up front I wasn't interested in a relationship. We chatted very briefly tonight, but then after I got home he sent me a text telling me that I was honestly the most beautiful woman he's ever seen, much less known.

The man I'm currently seeing is absolutely wonderful, but he doesn't compliment me often. And I've never been one to need words of affirmation... but lately they've been few and far between and it's just nice to actually HEAR someone say what they think. Why don't men understand that? Saying something once isn't enough to hold us over.

Guys - if you think your gal is beautiful, TELL HER. If you think she is smart, TELL HER. If you think she is good at something, TELL HER. If she turns you on, TELL HER. Make love to her mind... and not just once... and not just until you've snagged her... TELL HER as often as you think it.

Gals - keep doing the same.

Purpose

I'm discontent. Some things are going well in my life and some, not so much. Is not that I'm not thankful for the good in my life - because, really, I am. I have wonderful friends, a guy who is probably the nicest guy I've ever dated, family who love me and support me and have more confidence in me than I have in myself...

I think maybe it's just this feeling of lacking purpose. You'd think with all this extra free time on my hands, I'd be happy. But I'm not. I spend most of my time at home - alone. I want to get out and be social, network, etc - but it seems everything takes money. I want to get on the road, get out of town and out of my head for a weekend.... but again, that takes money. The fact that I'm not working and my unemployment claim is still under a review so I'm not getting UI checks... well, it just makes me feel like I have to save every extra penny. Today, I just couldn't take it anymore so I called my friends mom and took her out to coffee. It did wonders for the soul.

How are things on the relationship front?? I don't know. I really like him, but there is this HUGE wall between us and I feel like neither of us are willing or able to tear it down and really get to know each other. I'm not myself with him... or rather, he brings out a different side of me than most everyone I know. I really don't think he sees the funny, adventurous, confident, center of attention side of me. I tend to be more... subdued around him. And I have trust issues. But speaking of the devil, he just showed up. We're going to a movie tonight.

More later.

Happy Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day, Happy Hallmark Holiday and for the single folks out there, Happy Single Awareness Day. Ken hates V-day, but planned an evening in for the two of us - he's making dinner, building a fire and promises to get me tipsy (although I'm supposed to bring what I want to drink and he hates wine - even the taste of it on my lips - so I'm not sure about the tipsy thing). I decided to bake a cake for desert. I haven't baked a cake in probably 4 or 5 years and my oven is probably 50 years old. I'm not sure if that is why the cake rose unevenly. It's higher in the center than around the edges. Oh well - it wont look pretty, but hopefully it tastes good. It's a Better-Than-Sex cake... figured it was appropriate for the lover's holiday. ;-)

I filed my taxes today. I get a pretty decent refund so I'm happy about that. It's enough to pay my bills for one month.

My upstairs neighbor is listening to music or a movie or something loud and with the bass turned up. Today, it is annoying me more than usual.

Still no job. Went to a networking event Thursday night and met quite a few people who work at WTB. KL's husband Mike kept telling them all that I applied for a job their and a few of them said they'd put in a good word with the hiring manager. One guy (from a different company) called Mike the next day and asked for my number. Thankfully, he told the guy I am seeing someone. Flattering, nonetheless. The County job sent me in for a skills test on Friday and I got a 95% or better on all of the tests... but my typing score was slower than usual.

My apartment is a mess. Half my house is on the floor and I have no energy to deal with it. I hate house work. I don't mind the kitchen and bathroom, but I hate cleaning my room and doing laundry.

Well - that's all for now. I actually sat down to write and clear my head but I can't think with the blaring noise right above my head!!!

Job Hunt Update

Still unemployed. I got a call at 10:20 yesterday morning for an interview at 11:30am. I was up at Ken's house when the call came in so I had to rush home, find some interview-appropriate clothes to wear and get out to the valley in an hour. I actually really liked the office and the people I met. It's funny - I can almost always tell when they want to hire me. I absolutely love interviewing. Call me crazy, but it's gotta be the years of experience on the other side of the interview table as either the hiring manager or the human resource representative. And I think having that experience always makes my interviewers just a little nervous.

The interview went very well and in closing, they both got really serious, and started fidgeting. The head of the company looked at me and said, "Now that we know we really want you, we're afraid we wont be able to afford you. What are your salary expectations?" I told them that ideally, I'd be making what I was at my previous job, but that realistically, I'd be willing to drop down no more than $2 or $3 an hour. Unfortunately, they were hoping to pay someone about $12/hour and that is just far less than I'm willing to settle for. It's too bad really. They marketed the position as an Office Manager and the job description is consistent with that title, however, because the incumbent sits at the front desk, they want to pay a clerical/receptionist salary. It feels great to be wanted so much and it was the boost in confidence that I need. But, I wish companies realized that you get what you pay for. If you want a quality, trustworthy, dependable, hard worker who will stick around and continue to take on more, you gotta give them reason to stay. They've had a lot of turnover in this position and I'm not surprised. They simply don't pay enough for the duties assigned to the position. Sounds like a great office and I was a bit disappointed, but with the flexibility they require (working late evenings and some weekends with minimal notice), I wouldn't even be able to get a second job. Oh well... NEXT!

Yesterday afternoon, as I was sitting out in front of an elementary school waiting to pick up my friends kids (she's on bed rest and her husband was out of town), I got a call from the hiring manager for a position I applied for at Washington Trust Bank. She had "a couple questions" for me, but it turned out to be an initial screening phone interview. Um, I wasn't really prepared for that as I was sitting there watching for KL's kids. I told her that if I seemed a bit distracted, that was the reason and she didn't even offer to call at a more convenient time. Oh well... I guess I'll know next week if I move on to the interview round. As much as I love interviews, phone interviews are not nearly as fun.

Still applying for lots of jobs, but the market is difficult. The guy I interviewed with yesterday said they ran their ad for one day only and had nearly 120 applicants. There is a lot of competition out there and I certainly don't envy companies who are trying to fill positions. On the up side, there are a lot of quality people out there to choose from, but on the down side, it really is a lot of work reviewing applicants and deciding who to interview, conducting all those interviews and then closing out the recruitment, sending letters, etc.

I'm trying to remain calm and trust that I'll find something, but I'm worried I may end up having to settle. I heard on the news the other day that over 300 Million Americans have been laid off in the last year. Daily I hear about another company going under and laying off hundreds and sometimes even thousands of employees. A friend in the Seattle area told me yesterday that his company just announced 10,000 layoffs nation-wide. I've been to the WorkSource office twice and both times, found myself in the midst of such a diverse crowd of displaced workers (from entry level to business executives who are used to a 6-figure salary), waiting for computers, classes, fax machines, resources or other assistance. It breaks my heart. Some of these people have been out of work for 6 months! I don't even know how they live on their measly unemployment checks for that long. Many of these people have families to provide for, mortgages, debt, kids in college, etc. I'm blessed that I don't have those things. I have a substantial amount of debt, but it's just me and I live in a tiny one bedroom apartment. A good friend of mine filed for bankruptcy last week. I have kicked around the idea of doing the same. Without the monthly payments on my debt, I'd actually be able to afford to take a lower paying job.

The other day, I half-jokingly said I was going to get a sharpie and some cardboard and go find a busy intersection to stand and try my luck at panhandling. The very next day as I was driving to the library, I saw a man with a cardboard sign that said "Laid off. 2 Kids at home. Short on rent money." It was sobering... I'm blessed that I have such a wonderful group of friends here that have offered whatever assistance I need, from a place to stay rent free until I find something to monetary loans. Some people really are not so lucky. It breaks my heart.

25 Things

Okay so I've been tagged three times and I know you are supposed to tag others, but I'm not going to. Here goes...
1. I used to store bacon (and other food, but loved bacon the most) in my cheeks for hours when I was a toddler.
2. I have horribly ugly toenails so they are always painted.
3. I married my first love. That relationship lasted 7 years, 4 of those were married years.
4. One of my all time favorite quotes is "I love Jesus, but I drink a little." by Gladys Hardy (On the Ellen show)
5. I love Jesus, but I despise the religious nuts who turn people away from Christianity with their judgment, doctrines and hypocricy and because they don't truly represent WHO Christ is... his love, grace, mercy, forgiveness... We are ALL sinners, ALL hypocrites, ALL in need of a Savior.
6. I've traveled to all 50 states - in less than a year after my divorce.
7. I've never broken a bone, but I've had stitches a few times.
8. I used to be painfully shy, but most people who know me now would never guess it.
9. I have received a job offer for every position I've ever interviewed for except one.
10. I was recently laid off and it's the first time I've ever left a job NOT on my terms. Kinda scary.
11. I sucked on a fish's head once when I was about a year old... yes, the head was still attached to the body and yes it was still alive... freaked my mom out!
12. My parents were missionaries to the Philippines when I was 9.
13. I went skydiving twice last year and have two trips planned this year.
14. I'm determined to not let FEAR stop me from LIVING and experiencing as much as this life has to offer.
15. I never ever want to have children (but as a woman, I reserve the right to change my mind). It's almost impossible to find a man who doesn't want kids... Who would've thunk it??
16. I have 10 siblings. I'm the oldest girl, second oldest child.
17. In 7th grade, right after relocating from Phoenix, AZ to Juneau, AK - a young boy ensured his place in my life and captured my heart and friendship forever when he took the blame for my fart during sit-ups in P.E. class. Andy Boman is my BFF!!!
18. I'm right handed, but left-eye dominant - which makes it difficult to shoot a rifle, but I'm an excellent shot with a handgun.
19. Only once in my life (and hopefully never again) did I think I would actually have to use that gun in self defense. Thank God he rescued me.
20. I have had so many near-death experiences that I'm no longer afraid of dying. When it's my time, I'll go.
21. Although I'm not afraid of dying, I'm terrified of drowning...
22. I have a love/hate relationship with running.
23. I struggle with more insecurities than anyone would ever believe - but I have almost mastered the art of appearing confident to everyone I come in contact with.
24. I have a seemingly insurmountable amount of debt and can't seem to get out.
25. I absolutely love my life, my freedom and my GIRLFRIENDS.

Insecure

So, I've been seeing this guy, Ken, for 8 weeks now... well, a little longer, but our first official date was 8 weeks ago today.

I like him. But being in this new relationship, lots of insecurities are coming to the surface that I didn't even know existed. I am also experiencing emotions that I have not allowed for many years - vulnerability, jealousy, feelings of inadequacy - just to name a few. I'm not quite sure how to handle all of it. Part of me just wants to end it and walk away and not have to deal with any emotional discomfort (growth?). But part of me would miss him very much. I like him - even in spite of what I consider to be his flaws.

Laid Off

I was laid off from my job as Executive Assistant with SRM Development on Friday, January 16th. I don't know what it is about that day (was my wedding anniversary and also the day my ex husband moved out), but I'm tempted to make a note on my calendar for future years to stay in bed that day.

I really thought I was safe through at least one more round of lay offs. After the November layoffs, the company tried to reassure everyone and ensured that no more layoffs were expected. I didn't believe that, but really thought they would do it by seniority. At least seniority by department, but seeing as how there is a young man still employed in my department with only about a year of service under his belt, and I, with 4 years was let go... well, it just confirms my 4-year suspicion that the company is still a "good ol' boys club" and unless you've got an extra appendage between your legs, you're screwed. :) Honestly, I am not just being bitter - that really is how it is around there. When I asked about their reasoning for letting me go instead of Jeff, my boss looked completely perplexed and said that Jeff's name never even came up, but that I brought up a good point because he made about what I make (a little more, actually) and he's no more qualified than I am and he's not doing anything that I'm not capable of taking over... but in the end, the decision had already been made. Boss man even acknowledged that he knew it wasn't a satisfactory answer, but that was the final answer.

Jim, my boss, really is a good guy. I know it was hard for him to lay me off because I think he really does care about what happens to me. It's also going to suck for him because I did EVERYTHING for the man. He negotiated double my severance pay so I'm grateful for that, but he's contacted me a couple times already earlier this week because he didn't know where something was or how to do something. I went in and worked half the day for free on Wednesday and will be going back in sometime early next month to train someone on a couple of my duties... I know that is above and beyond and I get a lot of crap from my friends for working for free, but he did double my severance and he has done me a lot of favors over the years. This is one bridge I don't want to burn... in fact, I need to strengthen it because I may very well need that network sooner or later.

The job market here in Spokane is not great. There are a lot of job openings for entry or very low level administrative/customer service positions, but no Human Resources or Executive Assistant jobs. I know I may have to take a cut in pay, but I'm just not ready to accept a $5 or $6/hour cut quite yet. In the mean time, I'll be making a little more than half my salary in unemployment...

I'm trying to keep a positive attitude and keep the faith that God has a plan and He will guide me to where I need to be. Trying to keep my eyes and ears open (both physically and spiritually speaking) for opportunities. I'm open to moving, but it would have to be the right job... because I'd be leaving behind a wonderful group of friends and a man that I'm growing more fond of with each moment I spend with him. Wondering if it's time to start distancing myself so it doesn't hurt so much if/when I have to move...